Lord of the Rings, or Something Like That
by Child of Dhoom
Summary: Well, exactly how it sounds. It's like Lord of the Rings, but on crack.
1. C 1: Hoagies as well as the Grand Prize

Lord of the Rings. Or something like that. 

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR or any of the characters. Heh... what were YOU thinking? 

*And, if you must, it's a parody of Bored of the Rings... you stupid evil mean people who called me... stupid.Can you make a parody of a parody? I think not. And you've obviously never read Bored of the Rings, because mine isn't like that at all... you stupid evil mean people. 

Anyways, enjoy! And review, but don't be stupid fucks about it... please. 

Concerning Hoagies 

Well. Hoagies. They're similar to Prof. Tolkien's hobbits, but a bit different. They never exceed 4', and have oversized meat posts on the ends of their legs, which are covered with thick hair on the tops. Also, they have an unhealthy fetish for anything edible and most things drinkable, which results mostly in intense vomiting.They keep mostly to themselves, except on rare occasions when a drunken bunch of them get together and do unattractive things to some unfortunate woodland animal. I think enough's been said. 

Chapter 1 

Dilhole Baggage of Back End announced early in the summer that this year, on his 111th birthday, his intentions were to provide a free feeding for all the hoagys of Hoagyton. At no extra charge. He was responded with shouts of glee, as well as a few rancid belches from the crowd, which is the traditional hoagy appreciative gesture. Eventually, Dilhole managed to escape the rampaging mob and retreat back to Back End, where he removed his trousers and began preparing his afternoon tea. 

Weeks passed, and gossip about the party began seeping through the streets of Hoagieton. On several occasions, Scab Gamey, the Back End gardener, had claimed to witness dwarves, hoagys and the like hauling crates and boxes to the house, each bearing strange symbols that appeared to be elvish. He copied the symbols and showed them to Fido Baggage, his best friend and Dilhole's nephew. Fido told him the symbols meant either ale, fish sticks or bat guano. 

***** 

Just three nights before Dilhole and Fido's party, (they, conveniently enough, had the same birthday), Gangrene the Wizard arrived in Hoagyton. He was greeted with dirty looks and obscene hand gestures as his red wagon trundled up towards Back End, led by an unattractive, overfed, black llama. 

Ignoring the sign that read "Bug off, you bloody nosy bastards!" posted on the barbed wire fence, Gangrene shuffled up to the round door of Back End. He pounded on the door with the butt of his six-foot long staff, which was painted all the colours of the rainbow. 

"Can't you read the sign, you wanker!? Off with you!" Came Dilhole's voice. 

"Oi! Open up Dilhole, you great prat!" Gangrene called back. 

"Gangrene!" Dilhole exclaimed from inside. There was a large crash, some grunting, then the door opened. Dilhole stood there, buckling his belt. 

"Gangrene, I haven't seen you for ages! Where've you been hiding?" 

"No business of yours, my tiny friend..." Gangrene replied. At that moment, a matchbox fell from his robe sleeve, printed across in pink letters 'The Lusty Lady'. 

"I... See..." Said Dilhole slowly, picking it up and handing it back to the wizard. He cleared his throat, moving his eyes about left and right. "Well... perhaps you'd like to tell me why you've now decided to grace me with your presence..." Dilhole started, before he was cut off by Gangrene. 

"To speak with you about the ring." 

Dilhole stared at the wizard for nearly 37 seconds, not noticing a large trickle of saliva creep down his chin and form a small puddle on his hairy foot. His eyebrow twitched three times, then Gangrene continued. 

"Right then, Dilhole. I'll just give it to you straight. We need to get that little bitch to Whoredor. The hamster's flown. The shed's been infected with the black lung. The sponges have grown tired of their positions, and the mongoose's infultrated the Easter parade. In other words, you've succumbed to it's power." 

"Have not!" 

"Orange snaps." 

"Swiss cheese?" 

"Have too!" 

"Indeed..." 

"Yes!" 

"Knickers!!" 

"ENOUGH!" Gangrene concluded the argument. Dilhole shrank back into a corner, folding into the fetal position and mumbling quietly about his dishware and the crabgrass in his garden. Gangrene took a drag off his pipe and blew a cloud shaped like a jelly donut. 

"Give me the ring, Dilhole." 

"Like the sky." 

"NOW." 

"Wuh-aiii?" 

"Llama with swamp fever!" 

"After the party?" 

"Llama with swamp fever times seven." 

A large orange cloud of smoke arose from Gangrene's feet. He started hacking violently, tripping over various inatemate objects as he scrambled to make his getaway unseen. 

***** 

The evening of the unholy grub fest came on three nights later. The place was completely packed with greasy, hyper venelating hoagys who rushed about, devouring more food than any normal creature should ever eat. Fido, Scab and Dilhole stood back aways, watching the swarm of hoagies consume everything from the mutton to the wash towels. Eventually, each and every one was keeled over with illness and regurgitating their stomach contents all over one another. Gangrene was amusing himself with his collection of bottle rockets and the chickens. Dilhole took this opprotunity to make his speech. 

"Dear hoagy friends! I *hic* would like to take this opprotunity to make my speech!" Dilhole cried, waving his half-empty pint about his head and smiling stupidly. He stood doing just that for several minutes, trying to remember his speech. Unsuccessfully, he frowned and concluded, "What the hell... I'm leaving! You all suck! And smell something of a rotting lump of cottage cheese! And-" But before he finished, he'd dissapeared. 

The hoagys gasped and started conversing and squealing madly at the atrocity, before the next wave of sickness came on. 

Dilhole, meanwhile, had managed to make his way up to Back End. He had a bag packed by the door and his walking stick. He grabbed at them, then staggared off down the path. A sudden explosion of green smoke appared in front of him. It dissapeared, then Gangrene came running up the path, breathing heavily. 

"The... *gasp* ring, Dilhole..." He panted. 

"Right..." Dilhole muttered, groping about his pockets for the ring. He finally found it and tossed it to Gangrene. Gangrene screamed, dropping his staff and grabbing it out of the air. He held it tightly in his closed fist and brought it close to his chest. Dilhole wandered farther down the path, starting up a round of '99 bottles of beer on the wall'. 

***** 

Fido came bounding up the hill to Back End. Gangrene stood there, staring after Dilhole, who had just fallen into a ditch at '68 bottles of beer'. 

"Where's Dilhole off to?" Fido asked when his breath returned. 

"Fido, my boy! I need you to go off and make me some peppermint tea and three hard boiled eggs." Gangrene said as he pushed Fido into Back End. 

Three hard boiled eggs and seven cups of peppermint tea later, Gangrene sat, fondeling the ring. 

"Fido, answer this question and I'll give you something good. Who, out of the two of us, is a hoagy?" 

"Er... um..." Fido pondered on that for just a minute, "Ah! It is me..." 

"Correct, my lad. You win... er... the grand prize!" And with that he tossed the ring to Fido. 

"What am I expected to do with this?" 

"Congratulations, you've just won a one way trip to Whoredor to throw this little punk into the flaming Bog of Eternal Stench, in the pits of Mt. Dhoom." 

"Er... What?" 

"You're to set off tonight, my boy! It's much safer to set off as soon as possible. I took the liberty of packing some things for you..." Gangrene paused, holding up a small rucksack containing a loaf of bread, three pairs of clean underwear and some Crisco. "Dilhole has set off for Riverweed, as will you. I will be waiting there for you, for Exxon has called an emergency convention on where we're to build the new sanitation station." 

"Wait a minute, I never volunteered for any of this!" Fido complained. 

Gangrene stood silently for a minute before walking to the cupboard and wrenching it open. Scab fell out with a crash, his hand stuck in a jar of jam. The former contents of the jar were smeared about Scab's face and fingers. He stood ackwardly to his feet and grinned stupidly at Fido, wiping strawberry pulp from his eyes. 

"And this shall be your loyal cohort on your quest..." 


	2. C 2: Diversions and Tim Benedictine

Chapter 2 

Fido and Scab were on their way thirty minutes later. Aside from Scab, Gangrene had set Fido off with his cousins, Moldy and Pixie. They were proving themselves to be merely annoyances, and were going to be anti-contributive to anything, as far as Fido could see. Right now they were nancing about like idiots, prodding each other with shish kabob sticks and acting out scenes from old kung fu movies. 

Fido halted, announcing breakfast. 

"Right, then. Let's see... I've got some bread. 'Bout you, Scab?" 

In the end, Moldy and Pixie had brought some squished pork chops and some tainted vegetables. Scab had brought a tea strainer and a box of toothpicks. Fido sighed, passing out half mutilated pork chops to all. After breakfast and a minor eggplant clubbing to Moldy and Pixie, they set off again. Gangrene had directed them to go to Dwee, a small civilization of mostly men and hoagies. It was the longest section of the journey, according to Gangrene. 

Moldy and Pixie provided some comic relief for Fido and Scab, stupid as it was. By the time they were halfway to Dwee, Moldy had three sprained fingers and a bruise on his bum the shape of Great Britain. Pixie had a black eye, a bloody nose and fingernail scratches across his left calf eight inches long. 

An approximated ten days from Dwee, it started raining. Fido instructed a camp to be set up just off the road and into the woods, where it was more sheltered. They managed to get a small fire going, and cooked some of Pixie's vegetables. They each slowly drifted off to sleep. 

Fido woke up just after midnight, from a nightmare. He'd been running through the woods, and a giant bagpipe with the head of a keyboard had been chasing after him, claiming to be Scab. When it had caught up to him, it began sawing off his limbs with a guitar pick and molding them like clay into small animal figurines. Fido lay back down, trying to get back to sleep, when he heard something on the road nearly twenty feet from him. Silently, he crept towards the path. 

He saw a bit down the road there was a silhouette of some tall dark figure. As it came closer, he saw that it was wearing a long cloak, which shielded it's facial features, except for it's glowing green eyes. And it was mounted atop a most bheestly bheest. Of dhoom. The steed looked like it could have been a horse at one point, aside from it's long greasy fur and it's long neck. Sort of like if a llama and a horse had babies, then they were beaten brutally with a mace. Twice. (Anyways...) 

The rider slowly halted the great beast, mere feet from Fido. He slowly dismounted, hissing at the animal to stand. Then he proceeded to walk to the edge of the road and... relieve himself. Fido stood in terrified silence as he did this, not daring to breath. The rider finished his business then strode back to the llama-horse, mounting, then kicking it into gait. The beast leapt into the air, tearing down the road making unnatural bodily functions and noises. 

Fido let out a sob and dashed off back to camp, where he found his hoagie companions sitting huddled together. 

"What was that?" Scab asked, his voice shaking. 

"Yes, what?" Pixie squeaked. 

"A dark rider, and something of a horse..." Fido answered in a low whisper. They sat in prolonged silence for a while, settling themselves. 

"Erm... Mister Frodo? Might I suggest taking a path through the woods, just to avoid instances like that again?" Scab asked. 

"Good idea... we'll take the Winsleydale Path through the Orloin Woods." Fido said. 

Thus was their direction diverted. 

***** 

Fido cautiously picked his way through trees, brushes, and brambles for hours, finally succeeding in finding the Winsleydale Path. There was a river running through the path, which showed them their way easily. But only five minutes along, Pixie, Moldy, and Scab began slowing down noticably. 

"So... tired..." Pixie moaned, dropping to his knees and passing out. 

"Just a few... mnuhts..." Scab slurred, slumping down near Pixie. Moldy followed their examples. Fido decided it wouldn't hurt, just half an hour, so he curled up under a large willow and passed into blissful darkness. 

***** 

Scab was the first to wake up. He attempted to roll over, and couldn't. The willow tree he'd fallen asleep under had... bound him. It's lanky appendages were wound about Scab, and it was attempting to violate him, somewhere very uncomfortable. Like the back of a volkswagon. Scab screamed shrilly as the tree tried something unnatural, alerting the other hoagies. They all woke up in similar positions, wishing they hadn't. 

They all began crying for help, squirming about frantically. Fido caught a few lines of a song, off in the bushes a bit. 

_Oi, sweet Irish creme atop mongoose carp_

_And rapist of moose, with the orange flavored tarp_

_The llama with lice, no the liquor is mine_

_And the whisky, it cheers for Tim Benedictine!_

__

And at that moment, a small man sprang from the bunch of scotchbroom. He was at least two heads taler than a hobbit, and was wearing a purple jumpsuit with a bowler. In his hand was a large banana leaf holding some strangly tinted mushrooms and herbs. Striding over to the willow, he sat himself on the ground and recited some sort of incantation at the tree. 

_Down, you leafy bheest, at bay!_

_Things don't have to be this way..._

The tree shuttered and loosened its grip, and the strange man continued. 

_Hey, back it up you freakish shrub!_

_We'll settle this down at the pub..._

At this it's branches unrolled, dropping the hoagies to the ground. The man finished off with: 

_Now, you crazed bush, liss'n to me_

_No more of that, you fucked up tree!_

The willow looked rather put out and wound up it's branches, pouting. I mean, if trees pout. The hoagies rushed about the strange man, crying out thank you's and belching. He stuck out his hand to Fido. 

"Tim Benedictine, at yer overhaul." 

Fido was a bit confused, but returned his handshake. He went on to explain about their journey to Dwee, and how they'd gotten lost. 

"Could you show us the way?" 

"Oh, sure... let's just go back to my place first... gotta drop some things off to the Green Fairy." 

***** 

The hoagies tried to follow Tim's path, but it was difficult. Every now and then he'd throw himself into a bush to either get sick or wrangle with some amphibian. After a while, they came to a clearing where a small shack stood. There was some flashing light coming from inside. 

"Oh, man..." Tim said, passing through the door. The inside smelled like a rancid lump of old cheese, and was littered with matchbooks and bagles. Pixie found a couch under a giant mass of paper plates, and they all sat. Moldy's stomach began grumbling loudly, so Tim provided some iffy looking bagles and a handful of mushrooms. Not thinking too much about the odd flavor of the mushrooms, the hoagies devoured them in seconds. 

"Hehhrrrm... there's little wurms in my tummy!" Pixie giggled, rolling about on the floor. 

"I don't feel really good..." Scab grumbled, laying down. Fido agreed, it felt like there was a slug working it's way through his small intestine. He looked over at Tim, who was grinning like an idiot and poking at Moldy, who squealed each time. Fido was beginning to question those bagles, and at that moment his head turned to the consistency of a mushmallow and he toppled over the coffee table, scattering various items. The last thing he remembered was Pixie prodding him with his shish kabob stick and Tim saying: 

"God, what a pussy... now there's someone who llamasmack the mongooses of Arabia, man. George Washington... heheh... grew FIELDS of weed, man..." 


	3. C 3: Dwee and the Prod of Dhoom

Chapter 3  
  
Fido woke up in an uncomfortable position atop Scab. His legs were held down under the great mass of Pixie and Moldy. There was some writing across his arm, reading:  
  
Hey, man  
  
Then on the other one, it said:  
  
Got you on the quickest path back onto the road to Dwee. should take about five days. Sorry 'bout those rancid bagels. isn't it a shame about those ferrets, or what? Uh, must dash now, as Green Fairy is tripped up and has a can of mace. Tim  
  
Fido woke up the other hoagies, thus they followed Tim's directions.  
  
*****  
  
As it was said, five days later they arrived at the gates of Dwee. The large wooden doors were closed, so they went up and knocked. Five minutes later, no one had came. But they were all able to fit through the small hatch. Once on the inside, they saw two intoxicated guards limp at their posts. They might have successfully got past them unnoticed, if it hadn't been for Pixie. He foolishly decided to raid their wallets. They rose to their feet, swearing and staggering after the hoagies.  
  
They managed to make it to the center of Dwee, where the streets were lined with cheap diners, souvenir shops and strip clubs. The hoagies hurriedly entered a small inn slash pub slash diner, dubbed 'Lodging and Tainted Tea'. There was a large blinking sign illustrating the inn's title.  
  
The inside of the inn was set to a western theme, the hoagies guessed. What other explanation would there be for the cowboys and large cardboard cows? Exactly. Anyways, they all crowded about the sign in desk. A tall cowboy with leather chaps and spurs leaned over the hoagies.  
  
"Erm. we'd like a room, sir," Fido said.  
  
"Sign here." The cowboy slid a clipboard to Fido. He slowly printed the name Underhill.  
  
"Right. down there, room 504," he tossed a key to Fido.  
  
"Thank you," Fido said. The hoagies headed for the diner to the left, finding a booth in the back. After a few minutes, a waitress wobbled over to their table in a short leather skirt and high-heeled fringy boots. They ordered four of Captain Moo's Beef Burgers and some peach ale.  
  
Growing tired of trying to contain Moldy and Pixie, Fido agreed to letting the hoagies roam about a bit. As long as they mentioned nothing of the ring. Moldy and Pixie went for the line dancing floor, and Scab slid up to the bar. The drunken dwarf and two men there, who insisted he join them in a round of some lurid folk song of another, accepted him.  
  
Fido sat in silence by himself, eyeing the crowd. No one looked too suspicious. All of a sudden, the stage at the back of the room lit up, to show a line of showgirls furiously performing the Can-Can. At first Fido enjoyed the entertainment, before he noticed one of the more ugly girls (the one with the stubble) motioning to him subliminally. She appeared to be saying something about meeting her in the loo in five minutes. She seemed quite urgent about it.  
  
The show ended, rounds of applause, and Fido split to the lavatory. Just behind him came the showgirl. She checked all of the stalls and locked the door. Then began removing her dress.  
  
"Hey. woah." Fido started, before she interrupted him.  
  
"It's not what you think, you nit," As she removed her purple garments, 'she' turned into a man.  
  
"What the f-" Fido started, but the stranger closed a hand around his mouth.  
  
"Don't speak. I am Arrogant, son of Earofcorn. I am friends with the wizard, Gangrene the Grey."  
  
Fido looked absolutely baffled, not only from the shock of the sudden change in gender, but Arrogant's striking resemblance to Viggo Mortensen.  
  
"Gangrene has informed me of your presence here, and I have found that you require my superior intellect in the questing department, so I have come to join you," Arrogant explained. "The dark riders are after you, I have seen them. You and your companions would be safer to stay the night in my quarters, where I might protect you."  
  
Fido wasn't exactly thrilled about the idea of spending the night in some strange man's bed, but decided it was best. He rounded up the other hoagies, explaining their predicament. Pixie and Moldy seemed unhealthily excited about staying with Arrogant for the night. Scab, on the other hand, seemed as apprehensive as Fido, but he wasn't about to leave his master.  
  
Arrogant sat at the window, looking down at the streets of Dwee. They had been quite deserted for a while now, but he heard hooves thundering off in the distance.  
  
"Gnat-skull." he whispered to himself. The dark rider from chapter 2 and then some halted on the other side of the street, hitching up their steeds. The passed silently into Lodging and Tainted Tea. After another three minutes of silence, Arrogant heard their high-pitched screams and farts of frustration. They all burst from the inn's door, mounting their bheests and galloping off into the night.  
  
The hoagies had woken up, and were all huddled together, whimpering.  
  
"We must leave immediately." Arrogant murmured to the hoagies.  
  
*****  
  
They left Dwee and began their trek to Riverweed once more. They had not seen Gangrene yet. Arrogant claimed to know what he was doing, though Fido suspected they were going around in circles. He could have sworn he'd seen that pair of green knickers hanging on that branch more than three times now. Nevertheless, Arrogant went on ahead, muttering to himself about tracks. Every now and then he would put his ear to the ground, pretending to hear something, then would go on the way he would've in the first place.  
  
Eventually, Arrogant called halt at the base of a steep hill. Eyeing the descent, Fido noticed at the top there were the remains of a look out tower.  
  
"Whether-or-not Hill," Arrogant said, stepping towards it.  
  
*****  
  
They reached the summit, where they were meant to stay the night. Arrogant stood watch at the top of the ruins, while the hoagies dropped off. Sometime in the night, Fido heard off in the distance a loud fart. He sat bolt upright, looking around. Arrogant was standing over him. The other hoagies were trying to block a fire they'd built, and Scab was beating it out with a frying pan.  
  
"You whelks and your fire have signaled our presence!" Arrogant snapped. "It's the Gnat-Skulls." he whipped out his long sword and stood at the ready.  
  
"What about us?" Pixie and Moldy whined.  
  
"Go find a large stick or something," Arrogant hissed. Scab equipped himself with two frying pans, Pixie with a pair of nun chucks and Moldy with walking stick cleverly pointed at both ends. The farting and screaming became louder, until Fido could distinctly see nine silhouettes appear from the darkness. Arrogant grabbed a faggot, lit it on fire and began waving it about wildly.  
  
The Gnat-Skulls removed long black chopsticks from holsters within their robes. Arrogant continued nancing about with the torch and his sword, lighting the dark riders on fire like birthday candles. This went on and on and continuously for a bit, until one of the Gnat-Skulls saw Fido hiding in a corner in the fetal position. He promptly strode over, prodding Fido in the shoulder with one of his chopsticks. Much screaming, crying, hugging, beating off the rest of the dark riders with flaming faggots, and Arrogant rushed to Fido's side.  
  
"He's been wounded by one of the Mogul Chopsticks." he said sullenly. 


End file.
